Wednesday, January 09, 2013

"Is it tasty?"

 So, my photographer is holding my new author picture for ransom. Since I'm a starving author and cannot pay his photographer price, I must wait until I have a chance to break into his house Mission Impossible style and commander it. (Hopefully I can get it by tomorrow.) Until then, I shall leave you with this - because we could all use a good spoiler in our lives.

 IN MY LIFE...oh wait...this isn't a musical.

 How The Hobbit Will End

 Bilbo walks into the fortress under the mountain and meets Smaug.

 Smaug: Who are you?

 Bilbo: My name is Bilbo Baggins. I am an adventurer, a spider slayer, a - hold I know you?

 Smaug: Not unless I ate your family for breakfast one day. Baggins? Don't recall eating any Baggins, but I wouldn't mind giving it a try.

 Bilbo: You sound like Gollum. But I'm sure I know you, you sound familiar.

 Smaug: Nope, most be this cold I have.

 Bilbo: You sound like a detective I think I used to know.

 Smaug: What's a detective? Are they good to eat?

 Bilbo: Stop thinking with just your stomach. And a detective is *Ponders* Wait! I think I remember now! I used to live in a place called London, with this really grumpy, self-centered fellow named Sherlock who went and jumped off a building *eyes Smaug, glares.* SHERLOCK!

 Smaug: Watson, please. Do you really wish me to believe a detective could become a dragon?

 Bilbo, still glaring: You just called me Watson

 Smaug: Did not. I don't even know what a Watson is. I called you Baggins.

 Bilbo: You called me Watson. And how did you end up here, as a dragon?

 Smaug: I've always been a dragon, BAGGINS!

 Bilbo: You used to be a self-centered detective

 Smaug: Not likely. Had I been this brilliant, handsome detective you speak off, I wouldn't have stopped being him to become a fire breathing dragon.

 Bilbo begins to say something more but shouting from outside cuts him off. He runs to the door to look out and sees a battle going on outside. Quickly he draws Sting.

 Smaug: Careful with that, my dear fellow! You almost took my eye out!

 Bilbo: I killed a lot of spiders with this, Sherlock, I know what I am doing.

 Smaug adjusts scarf: Who is Sherlock?

 Bilbo doesn't answer but runs out to help his friends and a battle is fought. There is a lot of shouting and screaming and crying and so on and so forth. Inside the cave, Smaug roast himself some marshmallows until everything goes quiet. Slowly he leaves the cave and finds all the dwarves and Bilbo standing around three bodies, crying.

 Smaug: I see you all have won the battle but lost your king - I mean, I didn't do it.

 Balin: You can't die, Thorin!

 Thorin: I have to, it is in the book.

 Kili and Fili: Us too. Don't forget about us! We're dying!

 Thorin nods to Bilbo: You've proven me wrong many times, Mr. Baggins. You're a pretty great Hobbit and not that bad as a burglar. I'd give you some gifts but I'm dying so ask Golin too. I've this funny feeling that his descendants and yours are going to go on an adventure together.

 Golin: How do you know that?

 Thorin: I got board while we were traveling and read the book

 Golin: Oh

 Kili and Fili die

 Bilbo: Wasn't that kind of sudden?

 Thorin: Don't worry, now that all the girls know just how dashing they were they shall be voicing your thoughts exactly

 Bilbo: Don't die too, I don't have that many friends left

 Smaug coughs

 Thorin: Sorry. Can't help it. I suppose I should pass the kingship on to someone else before I-
 Thorin dies

 Golin: Does this mean we don't have a king?

 Balin: Doesn't matter to me. I don't even think I belong at this mountain

 Smaug: My dear Watson, do you have this effect on all your friends?

 Bilbo: They died bravely at least. You jumped off a building because Moriarty outsmarted you

 Smaug: That was a low blow. Do you want to go back to Baker Street? I think I can smell Mrs. Hudson's cakes from here

 Bilbo looks down at his sword, huge, hairy feet, and the dragon Sherlock.
 Would she let us in?

 Smaug: If not I will just blast the door open. I'm a dragon, after all

 Bilbo: How will that go over in London?

 Smaug: Brilliantly. And anyone who doesn't like it can feel the wrath of my fire breath - which gets really bad when I don't brush

 Bilbo: And I thought it was hard living with you before.

 Smaug and Bilbo return to London and frighten everyone in the city. Then, whenever Sherlock gets board there he returns to Middle Earth to frighten the people there. In other words, look out for the board, scarf wearing dragon.

 The End

 Guess where the title quote is from.




  1. That's HILARIOUS!!! Even though I don't watch Sherlock (I don't watch much of anything unless it's a little kid show or something educational I find on You Tube) I've read enough about it online to have a pretty good idea what you're talking about. (And I have read The Hobbit and watched the animated film - several times)

    And that's too bad about your picture. I hope you get it soon! I'm eager to see it!

  2. If Fili and Kili die like that in the movie... I will not cry. I will laugh my head off. Because it's less painful. xD "I have too, it's in the book." Brilliant.

    AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!! When Sherlock fell off the roof he fell into a portal that lead to Narnia where he touched dragon's treasure and turned into a dragon (just like Eustace). Then he found another portal which led to Middle Earth... Where he became Smaug.
    Star Trek and Doctor Who fit in there somehow too.

  3. Haha. That was really good. Hilarious!! :D Of course, I'm kind of surprised to learn all these guys die (I keep seeing spoilers on pinterest too). I guess I should *know*, eh? Sniff. No surprises in the cinema (that could be a good thing!).

    So does Sherlock really die in the TV series? Wow.

  4. Crap, I just had the ending of The Hobbit spoilered for me! Argh! Thorin dies! (Runs off to cry). I somehow missed reading The Hobbit even though I read the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

  5. That was hilarious!
    And hope you get your photo soon.

  6. Loved this! Especially the part about the cakes, it just made me giggle to imagine the conversation! =)

  7. LOL! I am so bookmarking this. I haven't laughed that hard since the New Year ... I need a tissue. :)

  8. Bravo! I applaud the spoiler-ending. =D

    Okay, I'm glad that I'm not the only one who was a bit overwhelmed with Haphazardly Implausible (but look---I can spell it without hesitation!!), and I'm sure that I will get a hold of Abolished Impracticality presently.

    Oh goody. I like it when Jack rubs her hands evilly. It means something cool is coming up. ;)

    I take my leave now. *bows*

  9. That was brilliant, Jack. I'm quite sure that's how it will end, and if it doesn't end that way...I think I may be a bit disappointed!

    Decked Out in Ruffles

  10. Oh my word. That is GOLD. I've been laughing for a while now... especially since you announced "spoilers" so seriously...

    I can't believe you gave it away! Hehe.

  11. This is hilarious! Hope you get your author photo soon. :)

    1. Thank you! And yes, I did. Being a spy comes in handy sometimes.

  12. That was so fun!

    I will probably try to take an acting class this year, if I can find one that actually fits in with my work schedule and life in general. :P Thanks for the encouragement.
    And, *ahem* you danced with a bunch of almost strangers? How brave!


  13. If 'The Hobbit' actually DID end like that...I think I'd explode from getting my mind blown xD

  14. That was the best mashup EVER. You got the characters perfectly!

    (Did you know Benedict Cumberbatch has a second role as the Necromancer? Finding out he was voicing Smaug made me really excited, but two characters was even better.)

  15. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  16. One of the most amazing mash-ups in the history of mash-ups!! Benedict is one of those actors where you can stop looking at or hearing lol! Loved this post Jack:)


    1. I know, right?! He has one of the best voices I've ever heard, the accent is likely a huge contributing factor...

  17. ~Haha! This is so amazingly funny! I was smiling all the way ^^ Although the Sherlock spoiler now tells me Sherlock dies O_O Make mor! Make mor!~~

  18. ~Haha! This is so amazingly funny! I was smiling all the way ^^ Although the Sherlock spoiler now tells me Sherlock dies O_O Make mor! Make mor!~~


Do you want to leave a comment? Come on, it will be fun. I want to get to know you and know why you stopped by my site. Don't worry if you don't know what to say, I will reply with something fun. Do you want to leave a comment? It doesn't have to be a long one.