Tuesday, February 26, 2013

"A gentleman of leisure never packs his weapon next to his socks."

 I don't talk about my real life very often. I sometimes wonder if Jack is my way to escape, a person I can hide behind and I have to work hard for it not to become so.

 It is easy to hide from troubles or uncomfortable situations. It is easy to hide behind emotions others say you should have, or songs, books, or movies. We all have places we like to go when we wish to hide. But I have realized, we cannot hide forever.

 When I moved out on my own, I had to face situations I used to be able to run from. I had to talk to people, I couldn't get my parents or siblings to do it for me. I had to do the one thing I feared most, I had to grow up.

Aye, I've always feared growing up. I didn't want to become an adult and yell and panic about non important things. I didn't want to face a reality which insisted that things were impossible and being an Author could not be considered a real job. I didn't want to see a world filled with money and work and bills, a world without imagination and adventures and fun.
 And now that I've seen the world, I don't think that is what it is really like. When I got a job I determined to like it. I determined not to dread every day I had to go in or panic about money. I found out that being an adult means facing your fears. It means no longer running but standing up and confronting trails. And I have had plenty of chances to do so.

 After I moved out the job I thought I had fell through. The other job I had I had to quit. I spent the whole fall out of work, no money coming in, trusting God to provide when the money I had saved ran out. And He did, but during it I lost a would be friend.

 I've never been the girl who spent her life dreaming of falling in love - though if I do I'd not complain. No, I've been the girl who dreamed of finding a best friend. And when I met this girl I thought we would end up being good friends, maybe not best friends, but friends at least. We had a lot in common, she was sweet and funny and we knew each other as little girls.
 But things happened which changed this. I had heard warnings about this girl but didn't believe them. (I live in a town filled with gossip.) Sadly, it took me really getting to know her to find out a lot of what was said was very true. This girl is not the type I would want for a friend. And things have steadily gotten worse.

 On top of this I had other things going on, again things I didn't wish to face. A painful past I thought if I buried it would be okay. A very wonderful friend's words of warning I choice to ignore - and in the process might have lost the true friend I had. An issue with pride and bitterness, and things I refused to do because I am a coward. And I'm sorry to say it took that dear friend saying good bye to snap me out of it, among other things.

 During the winter God took everything I thought I knew and shook it. He set in my path a hard trial during which I saw the kind of woman I was doomed to become if I didn't change. This woman had been hurt, much like I had, and refused help. She hid behind bitterness and self pity and now lives a life alone, pushing away all offers of friendship. She scorns at everything and thinks there is no good left in the world. Imagine living such a life, all alone, brought on because pride cannot be laid aside, hurts cannot be mended. And that would be me, I was already heading that way.

 My thoughts were like this. "Oh yeah! Well, she hurt me too! So what if I hurt her, I forgave her, why cannot she do the same! I will just not let anyone close again! I don't need friends!"
 But we do need friends. We all do. God didn't create us to be alone. He created us to depend on each other, to have someone to love and be loved by. To fellowship with. And seeing the kind of life I was heading for scared me, almost as much as spiders do. Not only did it look miserable, I was broken hearted for this woman who thought it was her job to point out every fault she saw in others. (Another downfall of mine.)

 And since then, since I determined to do something about my life to stop this, God has shown me many things and helped me face many fears. My secret project is the main one I am facing. I am doing something which has always terrified me, and which many of my "friends" said was evil to do. (Note, these friends believe it is wrong for a girl to do anything but sew and clean. And while I find nothing wrong with these things, it is  how these girls view others who don't do them which I find wrong. So when I say my secret project is viewed as evil I am not implying that I am planning on going on and doing something evil. It is something God has called me to do, and the only thing I felt peaceful about doing since starting writing.)

 My other fear I am trying to face is in getting help. As I said, I went through a bad experience as a child. My dear friend adviced me to seek help on it, but I refused. I didn't wish to confront it, to dig up those memories. But I know I have to now. Especially now.

 And all of this scares me. And knowing I have to face it all as an adult, no longer running or hiding is even worse. And the fear that it is messing up my writing right now makes it even harder. I'm an Author. I have to market and write and edit. I don't have time for all this. But I know if I don't make time for it now I can never get past any of this.

 So, I am admitting to problems I have. I am going to do my secret project even if I want to run the other way. I am going to face the girl I thought would be my friend and face whatever outcome follows. And I am going to get help, and hopefully have finally found a way to do so. And lastly I plan to do something I thought I would never have the courage to do. I am hoping to win back a friend.

 And writing all this here is a bit weird for me. And I don't even really know why I am doing it. I am very prone to self pity and as soon as someone looks at me and says, "Oh, you went through all that? You poor thing!" I instantly start thinking, "Yes! Poor me!" Which brought on a lot of my problems in the beginning. And I know I'm not writing all this to seek out pity. Maybe this is just my way of actually doing all this. That if, I know others know about it, I will go through with it. Because I'm still a huge coward. (But I can be thankful. While I am facing things I'm scared of, I am not going to try befriending spiders. So, it could be worse.)

 Just keep in mind, my writing is...kind of second on my list right now. I can't believe I am actually saying that, but these things are more important at the moment. I am still hoping to keep up on everything so it will all be out on time, but I don't think I can make promises.

 Now I need to go, I have blogs to read.

 Quote from Psych, from the English Art Thief who is very cool




  1. It's not pity that I'd want to give you though...more like I want to tell you that I'm kind of inspired by the way that you---as an adult---look at things in life.

    But "inspired" isn't quite the right word, life is a confusing place, and I'm just a little kid who lives in an innocent corner of childhood.

    I admire you very much as a blogger and a person Lewis. Indeed, I respect you for what you've accomplished and what you'll accomplish still.

    So do what you must do, but do it with courage.

  2. Jack ~ I know that must have been hard for you to write, but it is a very good post. I think you have shown great courage and maturity in facing the scary things in your life, and following the path that God is laying out for you. I hope you are able to get the help you need to put the past to rest, and I will be praying for you.

    And, on the positive side, all of this will help make you a better Author :-)

  3. Jack, I look up to you. You write books. You publish books. You've done so many amazing things (like watched 6 seasons of Psych in - how many weeks? Two?). You've moved out on your own... gotton a job.... put yourself out there... created a blog.... I could go on and on. And on top of all this, you have the courage to admit your faults. Not only that, you want to DO something about them! You want to overcome them! You want to fix things. You said in this blog post that you've taken a happy outlook on life, that you're trusting God. I admire all of that so much. I hope that when I become an adult, I can be like that. Life makes me want to be depressed and gloomy. But it's the attitude that one takes when viewing life, that makes life gloomy or happy. Personally, I like happiness much better.
    Thank you for sharing this with us. =)

  4. P.S. It's okay that writing isn't your first priority right now too. Writing (at least, my writing) isn't my first priority right now either. Sometimes life just gets in the way and sacrifices have to be made to continue on. I know you'll always come back to your writing. =)
    And also, I'm more and more curious about this secret project of yours.

  5. I really suck at words.
    Yeah, I write...but I really suck at words. And there is a difference.
    We all have things we go through. And we can choose--they make us stronger, or they break us. I walked away from the abusive hands of more than one person broken and scarred.
    I had to choose to let it make me stronger.

    I think you chose to let it make you stronger too.

    You is smart.
    You is kind.
    You is important.

    Never be afraid to be vulnerable. <3

  6. Growing up scares me. :( I think you're tremendously brave to be having a hack at it. Honestly, I really admire you. You inspire me to keep at my writing even though I don't think I'll ever earn the title "author" (sometimes...not even "writer"). You're really funny and witty and I love your posts. Just sayin'. You can do this!

    I'm sending virtual chocolate chip biscuits. And a hug.

  7. Thanks for posting this jack that took courage. I've also been always wanting a best friend and I know how it feels to have that door slammed in your face. Keep pressing forward!

  8. Good for you being brave and writing this post and taking charge of your life, writing will be back on top of your list soon and I'll be praying for you!
    Being an adult is scary, I totally agree with you there!

  9. Wow. This was amazing. I am so glad to hear about your journey, Jack! Life IS tough, and rough, but God helps us through everything! I am so glad He is working on you! I mean that totally in a good way! He loves us all so much and something it takes a little snap for us to see it! I'll be praying for you and all that you have ahead of you.
    Yeah, growing up scares me too. In less than a year I will be 20. I hate saying it. But there is a part of me that is excited too. I don't intend to live my life regretting things. Every day I plan on living with a goal in sight and a smile on my face. Life is good! Bad days happen, but LIFE is good. I think a lot of people forget that, because they don't have or see GOD'S goodness. I am glad you are beginning down that awesome path! :D This post made me really, really happy.

  10. This post is lovely, Jack! lovely because it shows your faith, your honesty, your struggles and victories. <3 It really encouraged me! Thank you so much for sharing this...I know it can't have been easy. :) :) *hug*

  11. Oh, Jack...

    I've walked in very similar shoes, it's been a good walk - a good run, a good life.

    It's really hard to post personal things online, I know that took courage and bravery and know that we will be praying for you. That you will come through this, that you will soar, and fly and be more YOU at the end of this than anything else...because HIS grace is sufficient for thee, and you are loved with an everlasting love, nothing it to great for HIM and you together, YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO STRENGTHEN YOU JACK.

    As a girl who always wanted a best friend and got stabbed repeatedly through friendships...both front and back (figuratively of course) heart crushed and left out in the cold. I know the burning desire that is a heart ache, and it can be difficult to stand up to one person...or 20...it's painful. I hope and pray a best friend comes a long in good time...in HIS perfect time. (because they are awesome, and it took forever to find one, but it came eventually slowly gradually it bloomed into the most beautiful flower I have ever seen.)

    And as for things in the past, that two edged sword, the blessing and the curse...it's there for a reason because NOTHING happens without reason. I have one too...sometimes it pains me, sometimes I realize I am who I am today because of it...and I wouldn't change that, even though it is painful and some days I wish it didn't exist. But I can't change the past, but I can control how I react to right now and the future.

    You've been handed a gift Jack. I hope it turns out more beautiful than you can imagine.


  12. This post, I'm sure, was difficult to write...I know from experience how hard it is to show the world what's really going on when it's ever so much easier to just pretend everything's all fine and peachy.

    I also understand about wanting a best friend- it's something I always dreamed about when I was little and I'd read all those kid books where it always seemed like everyone had a "BFF." During my pre-teen years I felt like I'd never find one of those because I never was interested in the things the girls around me liked- I was too old-fashioned, never liked giggling about boys, and just had very little in common with them. But God really blessed me and in high school I made some absolutely wonderful, delightful friends who are both encouraging and entertaining!

    Thank you for being so honest, and I'll keep you in my prayers. :)

  13. Just going to throw in a line from A Bug's Life for you:
    "One day I will be a beautiful butterfly and everything will be better." ~Heimlich
    And the catapillar is right, Jack. It will be better. :)

    ~Robyn Hoode

    1. Agreed. God always has something wonderful in mind, and I always enjoy finding out what it is, even if it is hard getting there.

  14. Reading through the comments, everyone's said basically all I could say on the matter, though, I agree with Mahri, that it must have really hard for you to write this post.

    Growing up is a pain. *sniff*

    But I'll keep you in my prayers and I hope everything gets sorted out the way you want it to. Kay?


    Cheers and God bless!


  15. Love that quote from Cary Elwes playing the cool English Art thief on Psych!

    I agree that it must have been really hard to write this post. I don't always share the stuff going on in my life on my blog, because I want to deal with it separately.

    Growing up is definitely painful. Getting help is good and a grown up thing to do. We aren't meant to be alone. Try to win back that friend. Confront the other one. Get hugs from your family. Ask God for direction.
    You can make it through this. God loves you and He'll protect you.

    Praying for you and hoping that God clears away all the fears and the problems soon.

  16. No matter how much it scares you, no matter how much you think you can't handle it, God has given you the strength to do it. And when that strength fails, He is there to carry the load for you.
    We do need real friends, and that first friend should always be God.

  17. Yuck, I dislike growing up. :P It's so much work.
    You can do it! If this is what God wants you to do then go for it. God's got your back. I think you have your priorities in the right place.

    1. Growing up isn't so hard if one remembers to be childish sometimes. (Which I can see all the adults cringing at, but it works. Keeps life from getting dull.)

  18. I don't like writing the sympathy post, because I feel that I'm a really terrible consoler. (I'm pretty sure that word is right, even though spell-checker doesn't agree.)

    I see myself writing a post like this, and I know that, for me, all I'd want to receive in a comment is encouragement, sort of the Iron Man kind after they defeat all the bad guys in the Avengers: "Good job, guys. Let's just not come in tomorrow. Let's just take a day. Have you ever tried shawarma? There's a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don't know what it is, but I wanna try it."

    I don't know, that's sort of what I like getting when I've posted something personal. So, hey Jack, good job! Let's try shawarma together sometime, 'kay? God bless. :-*

  19. We authors have a bad habit of hiding behind our writing. Let's not talk about my horrid life, let's talk about all the horrid things I'm doing to my beloved characters as consequence!

    I know how hard it is to talk about real life, and I admire your courage for writing this. It's hard to appear to be anything but perfect online (or anywhere else, for that matter).

    Getting your life straightened out is always more important than writing, no matter how hard it is to accept that, so, no, I don't begrudge you putting writing on the back burner. I wish I had that courage.

    Oh, and no, Sir Erran isn't a bad guy. He's not exactly a good guy either, though. I'm not sure what he is. Confused, that's what.

  20. That was a wonderful post Jack. I will be sure to pray for you and your 'project.' as well as every thing else you want to sort out. I hope it all works out :)
    God is amazing that way, He always pulls you through even when you think He's not. I didn't have the best years either. The past few years have been really quite terrible for me. So I know how it feels to be bitter and try not to get close to people. But God showed me what He showed you - You are not suppose to be alone. You need your friends. He was good enough to send me two brilliant friends during this time. One was my neighbor, the other my sister. Looking back, I have been really blessed. God is good and I often feel I need to put more trust in Him. I'm a worrier. I worry about everything from school work getting done to never actually becoming an actress. I'm just a worry-wart. sometimes when I start worrying too much, my sister makes me sit down and guzzle tea. That helps. or she'll pop in a Doctor Who. She knows exactly what I need. She is such a good friend. In fact ---- *Rushes out. Comes back* here's a cup of tea. Or coffee. Whichever you prefer. would you like to drink it with me??? and let me tell you something, Jack Lewis Baillot. you are MY friend. My dear, wonderful amazing friend and I love you for that.

    God Bless!!!

  21. Well, everyone has pretty much said everything there is to be said, but I still want to add my two cents and just say, "Hey! You're facing your fears now and that is the bravest thing EVER!" It's not easy. But good for you and I will keep you in my prayers. I hope everything starts to pick up for you now. After a bad spell, a good spell usually follows. *Hug!*
    I think of you as a friend. And really, I think your the only person I've never met that I think of as a friend.
    I feel silly giving advice so I wont. :D
    But God bless, and I hope that a whole bouquet of wonderful things goes your way soon.
    Take Care!


  22. Hi there, Jack.

    I just am popping by to let you know that you won the giveaway on my blog!

    I'll be in touch soon to get your address and all that. :D Congratulations!


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