Tuesday, February 05, 2013

"Before you say anything I'd like to remind you that I'm holding an ax."

 Watching lots of detective shows can give ideas for two things. How to pull off the perfect crime, and how to avoid murderers. And, since I don't plan on pulling off the perfect crime I have decided to put all my concentration into learning how NOT to get murdered. You know, just in case.

 Here is a list, just in case you ever get the feeling you are about to be murdered.

 1. Avoid basements. Nothing screams murderer like a basement.

 2. Whenever possible avoid kitchens. Kitchens are full of good murder weapons. Also, lots of people die in kitchens when home alone or at night. If you plan on having a midnight snack when home alone take the snack into your room before bed and stay there.

 3. NEVER under ANY circumstances let your tea pot whistle. NEVER. This is key. Do you know how many people are killed the moment their pot whistles? 

 4. Attacks on stormy nights should be avoided. If you hear noises up there, don't go see what it is. It never ends well. Go visit your aunt for the night. Take your favourite pillow and call the police in the morning.

 5. If you discover a villain's plan it is never wise to confront him on it. Don't go calling on him at nine at night to tell him you know all about what he is doing. Go to the police instead. They will find it more interesting and you will find it less deadly.

 6. If someone black mails you, tell the police. NEVER go to the black mailer and say, "Oh yeah! You won't get away with this!"

 7. Don't go jogging on the lonely forest path early in the morning. In fact, avoid lonely forest paths. They attract murderers like light attracts bugs. It is their hangout.

 8. Stay out of alley ways. Now, I know this looks impossible in movies, but it really isn't that hard. Just, stay on the main road. This shouldn't even be listed, everyone should know this.

 9. Don't mock a would be killer. It never ends well.

 10. On that same note, it isn't wise to tell a would be killer that he doesn't have the nerve to do it. Nothing gives people the nerve like someone saying they won't do it. 

 11. Never work late in an empty building. No work is that important. Save it for the morning. Because if you do that, you will live long enough to do it in the morning.

 12. NEVER park your car in a parking garage. Never walk in a parking garage. Never get into some else's car in a parking garage. Just, avoid parking garages. They aren't safe.

 13. If there is a shady character in the elevator, get in anyways. Nine out of ten, the shady characters in the elevators are safer then the masked man you will meet when you decide to take the never used stair case.

 14. And lastly. If someone doesn't like you and they come to a party where you are and yells, "I will kill you!" Hang out with some friends for the next year. Sure, he sounded drunk when he made the threat, but this is a supposed genus you're up against here. Very likely this is his attempt to pull of the perfect crime. Don't give him the chance to try it. 

 It also wouldn't hurt to watch lots of crime shows so you too will know all the best ways to avoid murderers. Most of the time it is just using common sense, and staying out of parking garages, but it never hurts to have a little extra help. And then, if you ever run into Sherlock you will be slightly clever and he might allow you to help him in solving a crime.

 Quote is from Elementary. 

 Allons-y!

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21 comments :

  1. I'll keep all that in mind! Thanks for the tips!

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  2. I agree about the parking garages. Totally not safe. They don't even look safe. I feel safer after reading this list...like I'm prepared. Thank you! (Brilliance...by the way. ;P)

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  3. Hehe, I definitely agree with you about kitchens and basements! I once housesat for my aunt while she was out of town, less than a week after their house had been robbed...I was slightly paranoid to say the least...every time I went into the house, I made a lot of racket, just in case anyone was there to give them a chance to get out, I turned on all the lights, put on music, and when I went downstairs to check on everything I grabbed a frying pan and my trusty pepper spray. Just slightly paranoid. Empty houses (and empty buildings in general) and being on my own tend to do that to me. :P

    Another thing to add to your list--never look behind the shower curtain. Especially not late at night. You never know what may be hiding behind there.(;

    ~Vicki
    Decked Out in Ruffles

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    1. What do you do if you find a murderer behind your shower curtain?

      ~Robyn Hoode

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    2. Either ask him to give you a second to write your will or try the detective thing on him and annualize him. This sometimes will cause him to freak out and shoot you in the shoulder instead and kidnap you, giving you a chance to escape. Or...it might get you killed anyways. Depends on the bad guy...though, usually the ones hiding in the shower curtains are the batty, creepy, lost their marbles killers. So, annoying him might not be wise. Screaming and clenching your hands as you stand in a steamy bathroom is always an option.

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    3. Well, my thought is that you should scream twice-- Once because he's a murderer and the second time because he's in the shower. Then shout "Pardon me" as you leave to go call the police.
      :)
      ~Robyn Hoode

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  4. First -- is number 7 based after the first episode of Grimm? :D Second -- are you watching Elementary?? Third -- what do you think of Elementary? Fourth -- okay, I'll stop this obnoxious list. *grin*

    I have another one for your list -- Never stay at home alone on a *stormy*, bleak Friday the 13th.... ;) Get four friends to stay with you, and watch Monk. *nod*

    I got to say I loved this post...it made me giggle. :D

    S.I.C.,
    ~Anna

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  5. Oh! And about the kitchen one -- you should run to the kitchen to grab a big ol' knife -- then hide under your bed while dialing 911. *grin*

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  6. Oh! And I am forever terrified of parking garages thanks to my evil Driver's Ed teacher. -_- Seriously, he told everyone *every single* possible way you could get hurt, badly injured, have your car stolen, and murdered. -_- Yeah, thanks, man.

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  7. LOL!!! This made me laugh out loud several times.
    1) terrified of basements when it's dark. egh.
    3) I know, right?? Dude, the teapot. That's the key.
    4) *shivver*
    5, 6, 10) I never ever got why people would go to who they thought was the killer and be like, "heeeeey, I got it. How 'bout that!? Now whatcha gonna do?" *bam*. dead. every time. fools.
    12) Parking garages are so creepy....And they always seem to be murderish spots!

    This was fantastic. :D Thanks so much for the great advice! ;)
    xx

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  8. ~Parking garages give me the creeps any time of the day! They`re so void of people and eerie ._. And you can never be sure if you`ll find your potential killer sitting at your back seat, grinning and waiting for you to arrive!!

    ~Sherlock! He loves confronting the villain without telling the police first(number 5)! The Sherlock from Elementary does this at least. How come I have not met Moriarty in Elementary yet? I`m at episode five already! Does he exist in Elementary? o.o

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  9. hahaha!!!! I laughed at this. I think I've mentally given myself this exact same list...or at least, whenever I watch a movie when any character does any of these things I'm always like, "nooooo!"

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  10. Hahah! I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes up these kinds of lists.

    I've never, EVER liked parking garages. So many cars and so few people. And they're always dark, and they always echo, and I always feel like I'm being watched. And there. I have admitted paranoia. lol!

    And you're right, I've never understood the whole, "Let's confront the killer and blackmail him." aspect of things... I mean, really. Who does that? The person's killed before, obviously if you blackmail him he's going to do you in too. I've always felt a little bad for those blackmailed though. It must be pretty awful to have someone know a secret of yours and lord it over you for the rest of your life. *sigh*

    Also, your comment about the police finding it more interesting and you finding it less deadly cracked me up. Nice wording there, Jack. :)

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  11. And again, your post title made me smile. :)

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  12. Oh my word. I love how serious you sounded listing all those things... I mean, yeah, they're good advice, for reals! ...but it was like a total deadpan delivery and it cracked me up.

    Still watching Elementary, are we? The most recent episode was a bit much for me, but in general I like the way they're doing the show.

    Oh, and this post reminded me of a Psych episode. (I forget -- do watch Psych?) Anyway, it's called Tuesday the 17th, and the characters do a lot of the same idiotic things you listed here. It's pretty funny. And scary...

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  13. Ok as much as I hate Elementary....

    I loved this it kinda does remind me of an episode of Psych I watched it was weird 0.o. I prefer Sherlock over Elementary cuz Benedict does a better job at being Sherlock Holmes, but that's my opinion. The list was brilliant Jack!

    Sam R

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    1. I have mixed feelings about Elementary. I need to write my defense on it I think because some people are going to start hunting me down. *Grin*

      OH!! I think I know that Psych! Where they go to this old cabin and there is a pretend murderer and Shwan keeps saying they are making all the mistakes.

      And lastly, Bennedict is the best Sherlock I've ever seen. He is so much better then others I've seen. Robert Downy Jr. ties for second I think

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  14. This post was hilarious! I sat here snickering the whole time. I loved the thin with the teapot. It's so true! There is nothing creepier than someone being murdered to the sound of their kettle whistling. *Nods*
    Kitchens, while often deadly, are also full of things to protect yourself with. Such as pots and pans. :D So I sort of like hanging out in the kitchen.

    *Snicker-snort* I loved this post! <3 Awesome.

    Cheers!

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  15. xD The sad thing is quite a bit of this is true (the comment about the forest roads and parking garages, especially. A friend of mine jogs through the state forests, and she always arms herself with a knife and takes her dog with her.) Though the tea pot...Oh my word. It's so true!

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  16. I never ever let me tea kettle whistle. I know what it mean, the minute it starts screaming some man come bursting in and kills you. I have never liked parking garages and I think people who work late in dark apartments are really, really dumb. In fact I agree with EVERYTHING you said. This post was brilliant *Snicker* especially the thing about staying away from kitchens. Kitchens are evil.

    I can not believe you have betrayed Sherlock and are watching Elementary. *Frown*

    God Bless!!!

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