Thursday, September 12, 2013

"Stop putting holes in my ship!"

 Wherein Jack doesn't really care about your lonely soul.

 It is well known that most authors are not social creatures. Most live in upgraded caves with electrical lights which they don't use as often as they should. When they do use lights it is usually a dim lamp which is kept on late at night. 
 Authors are creatures of the night. They like to stay up till midnight or later. They don't eat very often, so they are pretty easy to take care of. When they get in bad moods or depressed the best thing to do is stand three feet away and throw chocolate at them, this is a scientifically proven method. 
 Even though authors are easy to take care of they do not make good pets. Mostly because you never see them. They don't like to leave their caves.

 If you EVER see an author at a party consider yourself lucky. This is a very rare occurrence. It is advised that, if you do see an author in public you should speak softly and keep a safe distance or you risk frightening them off.

 Many have risked their lives to find out why authors are like this. After much exploration and dangerous expeditions into author caves, an answer has been found.

 Authors, it is now known, spend all of their time making up friends. These friends, though unseen by anyone but the author, become best friends to this shy, unsociable creature. Very often, they are the authors only companion - unless said author has adopted a cat, which is more common than you might think.

 But, as I was saying, these unseen friends are very often the only people authors associate with. They become very close to them, creating a bond few understand. (Even our new studies have yet to explain this bond.) They best they have come to explaining it as that it is like the bond of a best loved sibling or spouse. 

 Yet, because of the delicate nature of these unseen friends, and the constant danger they are placed in, a lot of them die. It has been proven that these deaths are very hard on the authors. They are thrust into deep stages of grief which are, in many cases, impossible to pull out of. 

 Authors handle this grief differently. Most of them become even more anti social. They sometimes will go out to buy food, but when they do they hide under hoodies so that they do not have to look anyone in the eye. They run in, buy their chocolate and tea, and run back to their caves.

 However, in many cases, the grief leads to different forms of insanity. Each author is effected differently, but in the end, most are driven insane by their sorrow.

 Scientists were shocked to discover, in resent studies, that - blinded by their grief and unable to coop with their lonely lives - authors have taken on new means of consoling themselves. Their most radical ways? Passing on their sorrow, insanity, and anti-social ways to another cave-like creature called the reader.

 Unlike the author, the reader is often seen outside, sitting under trees, on park benches, or in restaurants. It is impossible to say what these readers look like as their faces are always hidden behind books. But, it is now common knowledge that readers are also a shy being which do not like to attend parties and are most happy with a book in their hands.

 Readers thrive on the creation of authors. It shapes their whole existence. On rare occasions readers gather together, like animals of the Savannah, at bookstores to gawk in amazement over their favourite author. (I don't think I need to tell you what a trail these events are on the elusive author.)
 These are really the only social events which readers attend. 
 Even though readers are easier to spot it is advised one avoid them as much as one avoids the author. A reader spooks easily and if startled out of a book can turn violent. It is best to remain quiet around a reader and not approach it at all.

 And now that I have explained these wonderful creatures, I shall move back to my point. 

 As I mentioned, readers are more inclined to be social than the author, but because of the new levels of insanity which authors have reached, they have determined to pass it on to their readers. Now, aided by their grief, they not only kill characters, they come up with new, heartbreaking ways in which to do it. The deeper they can inflict hurt on the reader the better.

 Why, you might be asking. Why bring so much misery to the authors one means of support? Well, that is simple. Authors are vengeful. They feel that, if they must suffer, so must the reader. They also wish to make the reader as shy and elusive as they themselves are. 

 And, as shocking as this news might be, it is even worse. Proven studies have shown that the authors are succeeding in their evil polys. All over the world, readers are falling to new levels of insanity. They are rarely seen now and when they are they are often found sitting in a puddle of their own tears.

 Now, I am sure some of you doubt me, but we have proof. All over the internet - the one last place readers and authors can be found - all sorts of insanity is cropping up.


 Readers are now so grief stricken they are making jokes while crying their eyes out. They just don't know how to handle it and are slowly being driven mad.

 They are also starting to speak in one word sentences, which shows how far their minds are slipping. They say things like, This. So much accurate. True Story. OTP. I can't. And so forth...(I have not been able to find all of them, but I am sure you will be able to recall some.)

 You might now be asking if authors have any evil scheme behind all of this, I mean other than the ones mentioned. To that I have an answer. 

 A colleague of mine has very strong reason to believe authors are planning on taking over the world. He says that the plan is to draw all of the readers out, then when they have amassed a large enough army they will rise up against business men and stuff them all into dungeons. (They already have a fairly large army with the Sherlock fandom alone.)
 Evidence for this is shown in the shocking rise of terrible cliff hangers and TV series which have been ending in death. 

 Examples are:
 Percy Jackson
 Sherlock Holmes
 Harry Potter
 Doctor Who
 Les Miserables
 The Legend of Korah
 And the list is forever being added to.

 At this point in time it is believed there is no cure for this insanity and all one can do is sit back in their offices and declare, "Not my division."

 Written by your friendly neighborhood Spiderman in disguise. 

 Published through Paris Flash.

 (Quote is from Pirates of the Caribbean.)




  1. And then there's me who's a reader, but really isn't in any fandom (unless it's fairy tales, LotR, and Narnia, and even then ...), who's an author, but likes to be nice to my characters (usually ... *sidelong glance at Infiltration*) and readers. (I know there was a cliff at the end of Sew, but I got the sequel out as quickly as possible! ... and yes there's another cliff at the end of Take, but I'm working on that, too. But I promise you, not cliffs at the end of Kingdom, or the next five or ten Bookanias, and I don't think there will be any bad ones in any of my other series, except for the Trilogy of Secrets ... but I don't plan to publish any of those until I'm ready to publish all three.)

    But those pictures on pinterest amuse me. You fandom people have WAY too much time on your hands.

  2. This is so funny! I mean, er, um...serious. Yes, yes it is a dire state of affairs. (I particularly like the idea of throwing chocolate at authors when they get upset. I think I should explain this practise to my family.)

  3. Wonderful post! XD My brother Sebastian is in the Percy Jackson fandom. I showed him a rumor that one of the characters--Thalia--was going to be played by a black girl who looks nothing like her. He started having a nervous breakdown. XD

  4. I agree with Cait-- throwing chocolate at upset authors is an excellent idea. But what is really the best thing for this is let them talk out their writer's block (if this be the cause of the upset) and then help them figure out a solution. If neither you or the author can figure something out, then you want to throw chocolate at them. :)
    Yes, this is most interesting. But even though we may want to pass our grief to the readers, let's face it... nasty cliffhangers and heart-wrenching plot twists are just fun to write! Which of course... classifies authors as jerks. Oh well.

    ~Robyn Hoode

    1. Yes, I agree about talking out writer's block. I have a friend who we do that with each other. It help so much.
      And yes, they are VERY fun to write. I love writing them, though I'm not so great yet with the heart wrehching plot twists.

  5. Ooooooh, yes. Especially if you're both an author and a reader. I am a MIZZER TO THE END, and sometimes I hate Victor Hugo. Luckily, I have company.
    Wonderful post- you spoke the truth! :D

  6. I. Loved. This. (Using punctuation improperly is another thing we readers resort to... and when the reader is also an author, this causes a mental breakdown of sorts, as the author is screaming "DON'T DO IT! That is NOT how one uses a period!" and the reader is plugging her ears going, "lalalalala, I can't HEAR you! You killed my favorite character! neener neener neener! i shAll punTuate and Capitalize however I want to until you briNG him/her back to LIFE!!!!!" :-P thbbbbbt.


    In other news. Arthurian stories. My all-time favorite is Stephen R. Lawhead's Pendragon Cycle: Taliesin, Merlin, Arthur, Pendragon, Grail, and Avalon (be forewarned, Avalon is technically part of the series, but set WAY in the future... so far, that it's actually set in our own present).

    I also love T.A. Barron's Chronicles of Merlin series - though it's meant for a much younger audience, still pretty awesome.

    I'm sure there are more, but I need sleep, chocolate, and Dr. Pepper before I can think any more clearly.

  7. Guess I'm not a real author then, although I do like the dark. And instead of chocolate, please throw Hot Tamales. Or pizza. I like pizza.

  8. This is so hilarious! :) I loved it all the way through.

    Makes me wish I had a writer friend I could share it to in person just to see them laugh and smile at it too. But unfortunately, I've no friends except my imagined ones, and the rare brave souls who dare speak to me when I'm caught outside my author cave.

  9. I think I'd like to be a writer who lives in a cave and does nothing but write and drink tea, but I don't think I'll ever have the chance. Things would keep pulling me out of my cave like church activities, work, responsibilities, and housework :) Oh well, maybe some day…


  10. This. Was. So. Awesome!

    I was literally giggling the whole way through, you did such a good job. :D

    I see you added SPN into that list.... *sigh* And I thought America was going to be nice to us. lol. ;D

    That first GIF is so random.... I can't even... I love it. LOL

  11. I really enjoyed your post.

    BTW, throwing chocolate is the accepted treatment in my family too. Glad to see we're on the same page. ;)

  12. well that was interesting. I think I laughed the whole time I was reading it, especially when you said Authors are going to take over the world. But when I saw the Merlin picture I wanted to throw something. The Sherlock one is funny though :-P

  13. That's brilliant. And so true. We're just a bunch of little Cave Authors cringing from the world, eating chocolate and crying over fictional characters. I'm so proud. :)

    All those pictures!!! I'm glad to see some Supernatural ones up there with the rest of the fandoms. (Winky winky)

  14. That was an enjoyable read. Someone should try to make a documentary filming the author in their "natural habitat." Also that is true about fans of shows that end in cliffhanger, especially when said show takes almost two years to return *cough*Sherlock*cough*. Hilarious pictures by the way!


  15. Oh, you made me laugh... this was awesome. XD


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