Sunday, June 21, 2015

 This week has been hard. Again, I want to thank everyone who's been praying for me. Right now I really need it. I've been trying hard to keep busy, but mostly that has involved me keeping my noise in a book.

 I don't handle grief well I've come to realize. I've been snappy, quiet, and withdrawn. 

 A lot has been happening to me lately. I've always been convinced no one has a completely happy, easy life. Maybe some people have things a bit easier than others, but we all have problems and struggles which are big to us. 

 That said, my life has never been easy. I've always been reluctant to say this, but it was always because I COULDN'T. I had to keep so much quiet and to myself, and it has made things even harder on me now.

 For as long as I can remember I've been abused. (I don't really wish to go into this, details and all that,) but it was by someone I completely trusted. It is the reason I moved away from home, and the reason I didn't want to leave home, because I loved where I lived.

 I've been going to therapy, which has been wonderful for me. I still suffer a lot of side effects - non stop nightmares, PTSD, depression - but I feel as if I now have the chance to work through all of this. To come out of my little protective shell, even though its been painful to do so. Like pulling teeth. I get jittery asking someone how they slept...

 But there's a reason I mention this. One is that I don't want to feel as if I have to keep it secret anymore. I'm not the only person in the world who was abused. It sadly happens to a lot of people. And I think everyone would be able to recover quicker if they didn't feel as if they had to keep it all bottled up.

 The other reason is I've wanted to shout to the world what my friend meant to me and what she helped me through. 

 When I met her I was in probably the worst state I will ever be in. I was dangerously depressed, I was hardly sleeping, and barely eating. I felt completely alone and hopeless.  I didn't think anyone cared about me...it was all very bad.

 And then I was offered a babysitting job, and given charge over a tiny human being who needed someone to look after her. Someone to be there for her. I felt protective almost instantly. Here was someone who NEEDED me. And I fell in love with her.

 I didn't realize it at the time, but she was helping me as much as I was helping her. She came up with the strangest, funniest antics. She was one of the few people who could make me laugh and keep me from slipping deeper into depression. No matter how hard things got, and they got hard there for a while, I could count on her to be there when I needed someone. 

 There are few people I know like her. She was always alive, that's the only way I've found to put it. She was always doing something, running around, finding adventures. She had the kind of personality which could brighten up a room just because she'd walked into it. And she let few things get in the way of what she wanted to do.

 I miss her, every single day. And at the same time I will never stop being grateful for the time I had with her. I learned so much from her, things I sometimes forget I even learned. But the biggest was that even when horrible things happen you can't just give up living. You can't hide in a hole and ignore people. And even though I am going through bad things doesn't mean everyone around me isn't having problems and needs someone to make them laugh like my friend did with me. I want to be the kind of person she was. Someone who puts others first, who finds ways to make them happy.

 I hadn't realized it until she'd passed away and I heard other people talking about her, but she wasn't like that with just me. Everyone who ever met her could remember some funny story about her, some way she had made their life brighter and better. There aren't a lot of people I've met like that, which only has made her all that more special to me.



I've had a lot of trouble writing this post. I've put it off for months. I've bee wanting to explain some of why I left home and what has been going on but haven't had the courage. I know this turned out very coppy, but it's the best I can do right now.

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14 comments :

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. This post was beautiful and courageous. Love ya, Jack. Continuing to pray for you.

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  2. I am praying for God to be with you right now.

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  3. You are so brave, Jack. Thanks for being so honest. Prayers coming your way, friend.

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  4. Jack, it's not crappy at all. It's poignant and beautifully written. I am so so sorry for your loss. Not just the loss of your friend, but the loss that comes from abuse. I know. I've been there. So, sending prayers and virtual hugs your way. You can get through this. Grief is hard. And when you lose someone, it brings up all the unexpressed grief from the past as well. So be gentle with yourself.

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  5. I wish I had the chance to meet her, and I'm grateful for the way you brought a little bit of her to life on your blog through your post today.
    The Psalms are sometimes a good read when things are so rough because David gets it. And the stories (like Genesis, Judges, Ruth, Samuel, Kings, etc) are great to immerse yourself in and forget about your own life for a little while.
    Love you and praying that God puts some people close to you to show His kind of love to you.
    Keep heading toward the Light. <3

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  6. Jack, I'm sorry! Don't be ashamed to admit it happened to you. Glad you are away from that situation now. Keep taking steps to heal. Remember the sunshine that young lady brought to your life.

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  7. Thank you for sharing your heart in this post, Jack - this post is Brave, Couragous and alive. I wish I could give you a hug, but I do give you my prayers! To echo the previous comments: keep healing, keep relying on God. Not to sound cliche' or anything, but He will get you through. <3 - Raechel

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  8. I'm so, so sorry, Jack. But also glad that you are getting help. Some Christians say that all problems can be fixed with faith and only faith, but a lot of times therapy and (prescription) drugs are needed in addition to faith in God. Things will get better, my friend. I'm praying for you!

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  9. Hi Jack. Hearing all this makes me really sad. That is a lot to go through. But God is definitely there for you. He's going through it with you. I'm praying.

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  10. http://www.aircraftwrecks.com/images/veterans/042a.jpg

    http://www.e-reading.club/illustrations/1008/1008497-_48.jpg

    ....You know.

    Phil.

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  11. This was a beautiful and brave post, dear Jack, and I'm fighting back tears hearing about this but also inspired by your courage to share, trust in God, and continue on.

    If I've learned anything in life it's that God's light shines brightest in the darkest times. He loves you and is always, ALWAYS here for you.

    Keep running towards Him, allow yourself all the time you need to heal. He's got you in His arms.

    Thank you for being such an encouraging inspiration. You're always in my prayers, sweet girl. *HUGS*

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  12. I am really sorry about the loss of your little friend, Jack. I am sorry you've been having things really tough lately, dear. I will be keeping you closely in my prayers.

    By the way, this post is beautiful, and you are very brave to share about it. Know that you are loved by God and by many people, and that God deeply cares about you and knows your sorrow, grief, depression and fears. He'll be with you and give you His strength and joy when all is dark. Just hold unto Jesus!

    Much love,
    Joy <3

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  13. Hey Jack. You don't know me, but I've been reading your blog for quite sometime, and I would like to add my condolences.

    These words will likely have little or no meaning for you, but I know what it's like to be abused for as long as you can remember, so, please take care of yourself, being selfless is wonderful, but don't forget Your needs.

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