This week has been hard. Again, I want to thank everyone who's been praying for me. Right now I really need it. I've been trying hard to keep busy, but mostly that has involved me keeping my noise in a book.
I don't handle grief well I've come to realize. I've been snappy, quiet, and withdrawn.
A lot has been happening to me lately. I've always been convinced no one has a completely happy, easy life. Maybe some people have things a bit easier than others, but we all have problems and struggles which are big to us.
That said, my life has never been easy. I've always been reluctant to say this, but it was always because I COULDN'T. I had to keep so much quiet and to myself, and it has made things even harder on me now.
For as long as I can remember I've been abused. (I don't really wish to go into this, details and all that,) but it was by someone I completely trusted. It is the reason I moved away from home, and the reason I didn't want to leave home, because I loved where I lived.
I've been going to therapy, which has been wonderful for me. I still suffer a lot of side effects - non stop nightmares, PTSD, depression - but I feel as if I now have the chance to work through all of this. To come out of my little protective shell, even though its been painful to do so. Like pulling teeth. I get jittery asking someone how they slept...
But there's a reason I mention this. One is that I don't want to feel as if I have to keep it secret anymore. I'm not the only person in the world who was abused. It sadly happens to a lot of people. And I think everyone would be able to recover quicker if they didn't feel as if they had to keep it all bottled up.
The other reason is I've wanted to shout to the world what my friend meant to me and what she helped me through.
When I met her I was in probably the worst state I will ever be in. I was dangerously depressed, I was hardly sleeping, and barely eating. I felt completely alone and hopeless. I didn't think anyone cared about me...it was all very bad.
And then I was offered a babysitting job, and given charge over a tiny human being who needed someone to look after her. Someone to be there for her. I felt protective almost instantly. Here was someone who NEEDED me. And I fell in love with her.
I didn't realize it at the time, but she was helping me as much as I was helping her. She came up with the strangest, funniest antics. She was one of the few people who could make me laugh and keep me from slipping deeper into depression. No matter how hard things got, and they got hard there for a while, I could count on her to be there when I needed someone.
There are few people I know like her. She was always alive, that's the only way I've found to put it. She was always doing something, running around, finding adventures. She had the kind of personality which could brighten up a room just because she'd walked into it. And she let few things get in the way of what she wanted to do.
I miss her, every single day. And at the same time I will never stop being grateful for the time I had with her. I learned so much from her, things I sometimes forget I even learned. But the biggest was that even when horrible things happen you can't just give up living. You can't hide in a hole and ignore people. And even though I am going through bad things doesn't mean everyone around me isn't having problems and needs someone to make them laugh like my friend did with me. I want to be the kind of person she was. Someone who puts others first, who finds ways to make them happy.
I hadn't realized it until she'd passed away and I heard other people talking about her, but she wasn't like that with just me. Everyone who ever met her could remember some funny story about her, some way she had made their life brighter and better. There aren't a lot of people I've met like that, which only has made her all that more special to me.
I've had a lot of trouble writing this post. I've put it off for months. I've bee wanting to explain some of why I left home and what has been going on but haven't had the courage. I know this turned out very coppy, but it's the best I can do right now.