Wednesday, January 13, 2016

"Seriously, dude...you need help."

 Wherein Jack was a ninja.

 Those who know me know I have spider issues. It's not really a 100 percent phobia. I looked up the definition of what arachnophobia entails and I'm not QUITE that bad. I can still function and I don't hole up in a place where spiders can't get me. (Okay, I sort of do, but I still get outside into the spider infested world and even sleep on the ground...the ground they have claimed for their homes.)

 So while I don't have every characteristic of the phobia I have something kind of like it.

 I just don't like spiders. At all. And not for the normal reasons. I'm not afraid of getting bit. It's their legs which scare me. All eight of them. Moving. Spiny. Creepy....I can't even talk about it without getting the shivers.

 I don't kill spiders though. I think my reasons behind this might not be as kind as the thought that I don't kill them. I don't kill them because I don't want to hear them squish. I don't want to see their legs stick out from under my boot. I don't want to try and kill them only to make them mad and have them run at me full charge. And a friend told a story once of how she killed a spider and all it's babies jumped off its back and scattered. If that happened I'd have to burn my house and move. And then I might have a real phobia.

 I do pin spiders under cups though. And then I leave those cups. For days. Weeks. Months. I would leave them for years but someone braver than me always deals with the spider under the cup. 

 I usually pin small spiders though. With big ones I pack my bags and move to a new state. (And you thought I moved for the sake of new scenery.) 

 In California there are monster spiders in the warm places. At least I assume they have monster spiders. I don't plan to go crawl through the forests in search of them. Up here though, where I live, they have bitty spiders. The kind I still am creeped out by but which I can pin under cups - and then call brave friends to come and deal with for me.

 Except all their spiders aren't bitty.

 I didn't know this.

 I didn't know they had monster spiders from the Depths of Mount Doom.

 I didn't find this out until the end of summer when I saw one lounging in my bathroom.

 I can't really explain these spiders. All I know is they are BIG. And UGLY. And EVIL. Of course, everyone here claims they don't bite, but that doesn't matter. They are black, HUGE, EVIL, and they look like a beetle from the Depths of Mount Doom. An EVIL beetle who has lost all the endearing qualities of beetles. 

 At least I think they look something like beetles.

 You see, when I saw him in my bathroom this summer I ran as fast as I could and didn't stop to get a good look. I don't stop to study Monster Spiders. They aren't like pinable ones. They charge. They likely have babies on their backs. And I KNOW they have buddies lurking in my boots. (Reason 105 why I go barefoot.)

 Later when I returned to my bathroom he had gone. I hoped he had moved on, gone out into the nice summer weather. Gone on holiday. Went to the nude beach. Visited the Golden Gate Bridge. Done exciting things with is life rather than camp out in my bathroom.

 I didn't think much on home over the past few months. Winter came. I love winter. Snow. Cold. SPIDERS DEAD AND NOT STALKERY!

 (He was laughing at me. I know it now.)

 Last night I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. I casually scanned the walls and then I ninja jumped backwards and into my bed.

 There. On the wall. BLACK AS THE NIGHT! UGLY AND EVIL AND BIG, sat the Monster Spider from the Depths of Mount Doom.

 I panicked. After all, there was NO WAY I could pin a Monster Spider from the Depths of Mount Doom on my wall! I would have to move the cup after I'd pinned him. I wasn't sure I had a cup large enough and his legs might stick out. And he was SO UGLY AND HORRIBLE I couldn't even look at him long enough to pin him.

 But I really needed to use my bathroom.

 I honestly came close to burning the house down. Or going to the store to use their bathroom. Or calling one of my friends to ask them to come and save me.

 Instead I bravely hid on my bed and stared at the floor to see if he had decided to come out and creep to my bed.

 Then I got mad. How DARE he camp out in my house for so long?! Didn't he know it was WINTER!? Why hadn't he DIED ALREADY?!

 I got mad enough that, had he not been the horrible UGLY, EVIL, and MONSTER spiders, I'd have stabbed him with a sword.

 Except I didn't want a Monster Spider from the Depths of Mount Doom splattered on my wall.

 Later he vanished again. But this leaves me with a problem.

 He is still in my flat. 

 On the loose.

 EVIL

 BLACK AS NIGHT

 UGLY

 And HORRIBLE.

 And I can't burn a rental flat down. Something about that deposit thing. 

 But for the record, I'm still a fabulous Ninja.

 I think I might turn the heat off. Freeze the Monster out of the flat. Then he can go and DIE in the snow.

 I might freeze myself, but I will freeze happy.

 That is all. If I am soon homeless you know why.

 I leave you with a Psych quote.


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5 comments :

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! I dislike spiders too, so I shouldn't be laughing this hard, but it was TOOOOOO funny!!!!

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  2. Um UM. UMMMMMM. CALL AN EXTERMINATOR! GET YOUR LANDLORD TO DEAL WITH IT (seriously, that should be in the rental agreement)! CALL THE FIRE BRIGADE! BOTTLE SOME LIGHT OF ELENDIL AND PUT IT AS A NIGHT LIGHT IN YOUR BATHROOM! RUN. DON'T BLINK. Blink and you're dead. They're fast. Faster than you can imagine.

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  3. This is great, I would do the exact same thing. Spiders are my worst enemy. You need Sam to come and save you from Shelob's clutches.

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  4. This post is hilarious- though I am very sorry to hear about your spider troubles. Your reasons for not killing spiders made me laugh. I am sorry to hear you have a rogue spider wandering around. I hope you can find a way to get it outside and away from your flat. Good luck!
    ~Jess

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  5. AHHHHHH! I have the shivery creeps now. I was grossing out throughout your whole post. I'm not so bad that I have a phobia. But yeah.

    I can't stand killing them either. Because their exoskeleton cracks and you can hear, and FEEL all their guts squish out. It's so incredibly gross. And all their legs! Gah! When I was a kid, we used to have a lot of wolf spiders in the house, on the ceiling, in the window sill. They weren't big, but they were black, and the worst part was they always had neon colored eyes (like orange, green, or blue), so you could see ALL of their eyes. All of them blinking at you. EEEEW!

    I can kill them now. Because I have a little sister who is more scared of spiders than I am. So I brave up. But if I lived by myself and encountered a huge one, I'm pretty sure I would've done the same thing you did. Well, actually I probably would've wimped out and called a friend to help me or let me spend the night and they would laugh at me for the rest of my life.

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