Wednesday, March 16, 2016

"This is low even for you!"

 Wherein there was a spider.

 There's been a spider in my bathroom, behind the sink. I saw it there and did my typical jump across the room and hide up on my bed. I guess I still have the belief spiders can't get me on my bed. I have a canopy over it, something like a bug net only pretty. Spiders don't like pretty bug nets...

 I have a friend who said she would come down and get rid of spiders for me. All I had to do was catch them under bowls and she would come and throw them in the lake. Far away with no trace leading back to me. (I have a reasonable fear that if I hurt a spider his family will come for me. Or if I vacuum them up they will crawl up the tube sometime in the night and climb in my bed.)

 Don't worry, there's a point to this story.

 I grabbed a bowl and prepared to pin the spider, who was making webs in my shoes. The only problem was the spider was in a corner of the sink and I wasn't brave enough to try and pin him there and risk him jumping on me. (He was one of those baby wolf spiders I hate so much. Actually it is a she. I met the he.)

 So I did the reasonable thing. I took my foil, moved all my shoes, tossed the one she'd made a web in outside in the cold, and prepared to knock her down with my foil. Instead, she got mad and now she's hiding out somewhere. Likely under the sink with my hammock where she will lay her babies, grow to the hideous size of Spider from Mount Doom, and I'll have no choice but to burn my flat down.

 But wait, it gets better.

 Last night I was making dinner, barefoot. I was hungry because I'd had to work late and had all my thoughts on the noodles I was boiling. That was until I stepped back and felt something crunch under my heel. I looked down and saw a black squash on the floor. At first I thought I'd stepped on a fly, which is nasty but would have served the fly right for invading my place. But then I realized something...

 The black squashed thing had too many legs.

 It had a hideous body.

 I had stepped barefoot on the daddy wolf spider.

 I ninja jumped on my bed and stared in horror at the black thing on my floor. Shaking head to foot, I had to examine my own foot. Everyone says wolf spiders aren't dangerous, but you step on one and I'm sure any spider would extract some kind of revenge and inject you with a deadly poison for payback.

 So I had three problems.

 1. I'd likely end up in the hospital and stuck with needles because Mr. Creepy had tried to kill me even though he getting flattened was his own fault for trying to sneak up on me.

 2. I had a Mr. Creepy on my floor, twitching, not fully dead, ready to rise up and come for me and I was too chicken to do anything about it.

 3. Mrs. Creepy likely heard his final crunch and would set her babies on me as soon as possible.

 Wait, I had four.

 4. My dinner was on the other side of Mr. Creepy and I couldn't get to it with him in the way.

 I had to think about it for a while and decided it would be worse if he started to come at me, crippled as he was. Therefore I did the only thing which could be done.

 Armed with my foil, I grabbed the bowl I'd left in my bathroom for Mrs. Creepy and ninja crawled for Mr. Creepy. I kept the tip of my foil aimed at him in case he tried anything, and then I pushed the bowl on top of him. Then I piled on a couple notebooks, just in case he managed to move it.

 He's still there, and there he will remain until my friend can come down and take away his body.

 Mrs. Creepy is still in hiding. But I'm going to find out what scares spiders as much as they scare me and douse my cabin in it. Before she can come after me.

 I know girl spiders eat their husbands. They don't mind making themselves widows, but you make one a widow and that's the end of you.

 So if I go AWOL you know what has become of me. Send me Sam and Sting as quickly as possible.

 Another Lilo and Stitch quote.


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5 comments :

  1. I'm so proud of you for fighting off the terrible spider, Jim. That was very brave of you. Sam Gamgee would be in awe of your courage. How horrible to step on one in bare feet! I have never done that... I expect it is something that would only happen to you. *hugs you tight* If I was there you could call me and I'd run to your aid. lol.

    I MISS YA JIM.

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  2. UGH! I sat here with both hands over my mouth and nose when you got to the spider-crunching bit. *shudders* Ugh, ugh, ugh. Bleh. *shudders again*

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  3. Eww! I've only stepped on bumblebees (who did leave stingers in me for my shameless audacity), but I've never stepped on a wolf spider. Of course, I have vacuumed them, smushed them, and crushed them (and now I am looking over my shoulder, hoping they don't have any more relatives coming for me this year).
    I hope that your friend comes soon. :)

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  4. Aw yiss, the speeeyider. One bite from.... arachnos deathicus can....

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  5. I hate spiders *shudders* especially wolf spiders.

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