We've all been there, right? Probably more than once. We get out the thing we love to do and have been doing for a long time - writing, drawing, sewing, knitting...whatever it might be - and we set it out in front of us. And then our mind starts to run.
"You call that nice?" "It's horrible." "What are you trying to do? Because obviously you'll never do it."
Before we know it we feel discouraged and miserable and give up our attempts.
I've been to that point the last two months.
It seems a weird time for it to hit me. I've fulfilled my longest dream, I'm now a published Author. I should be floating around, giggling with glee, unable to handle it.
I am excited and grateful of course. But there are things which have happened to me.
A long list of things.
Getting an editor I now look back on my older books and see nothing but giant mistakes. I cringe when I go through them.
Publishing is taking longer than I thought and therefore I feel as if I am doing a lot of things wrong and letting readers down. I don't know how to help it along faster but I feel as if I should.
I've gotten behind on arranging the blog tour, which I've never been good at. Another thing I feel like a failure over. I am overwhelmed with it and buried under it with no sight at the end right now.
While the plot hole was mended, the manuscript being published wasn't QUITE the one I wanted. While no one seems to have problems with it I still feel bad about it and need to accept that the editor liked it and readers have liked it and I need to stop worrying.
I've not been able to write for a long while. I write a little every day, but not my usual book a month, and therefore I feel as if I am letting readers down, myself, and my childhood dream which is now fulfilled and could keep going if I keep working.
As June nears things become harder for me. I can make it through most of the day fine, then it will hit me that my friend is gone and I will sit down and cry. At times her death still doesn't feel real. It feels as if I will go home and she will be there waiting for me. When it hits me it always hits me hard.
With all of this there is the added edition of past pains that I am trying to slog my way through. Criticisms which have torn me down and make me question myself. It was common for mistakes to be pointed out and now sometimes that is all I see. I'm too afraid to try new things, and when I find something I enjoy I tend to tear myself down since it is what I got so used to.
I've had trouble blogging, emailing, even getting through each day. By the end of the day I am so discouraged all I want to do is hide under my blankets and sleep.
This is going to pass, I know it will. I am working through it to make it pass. I have friends around me helping me. I have a nice church which supports and loves me. I have a family to pick me up when I fall down, which is a lot.
Mostly I have God who still hasn't left me. As I learn about life, as I attempt new things, fight old fears, and dig down deep to work on issues I need to deal with, He is beside me. He carries me through it and I know He will land me safe on the other side.
But that doesn't mean that right now it is easy. I don't really know what I am doing. I feel like I'm running in a giant circle. My stomach has been in a huge knot and I'm on edge. These next two or three months are going to be long and hard for me. Some things I have to face I am not ready to, other things I'm not sure how to. I just know I have to keep going, one step at a time, and somehow I can make it to the other side.
But that is why I've not really been myself lately.
Things are still moving forward, but just slowly. I hope to have more of an update on my book soon.