Tuesday, April 26, 2016

 Feeling like a failure.

 We've all been there, right? Probably more than once. We get out the thing we love to do and have been doing for a long time - writing, drawing, sewing, knitting...whatever it might be - and we set it out in front of us. And then our mind starts to run.

 "You call that nice?" "It's horrible." "What are you trying to do? Because obviously you'll never do it."

 Before we know it we feel discouraged and miserable and give up our attempts.

 I've been to that point the last two months.

 It seems a weird time for it to hit me. I've fulfilled my longest dream, I'm now a published Author. I should be floating around, giggling with glee, unable to handle it.

 I am excited and grateful of course. But there are things which have happened to me.

 A long list of things.

 Getting an editor I now look back on my older books and see nothing but giant mistakes. I cringe when I go through them.

 Publishing is taking longer than I thought and therefore I feel as if I am doing a lot of things wrong and letting readers down. I don't know how to help it along faster but I feel as if I should.

 I've gotten behind on arranging the blog tour, which I've never been good at. Another thing I feel like a failure over. I am overwhelmed with it and buried under it with no sight at the end right now.

 While the plot hole was mended, the manuscript being published wasn't QUITE the one I wanted. While no one seems to have problems with it I still feel bad about it and need to accept that the editor liked it and readers have liked it and I need to stop worrying.

 I've not been able to write for a long while. I write a little every day, but not my usual book a month, and therefore I feel as if I am letting readers down, myself, and my childhood dream which is now fulfilled and could keep going if I keep working.

 As June nears things become harder for me. I can make it through most of the day fine, then it will hit me that my friend is gone and I will sit down and cry. At times her death still doesn't feel real. It feels as if I will go home and she will be there waiting for me. When it hits me it always hits me hard.

 With all of this there is the added edition of past pains that I am trying to slog my way through. Criticisms which have torn me down and make me question myself. It was common for mistakes to be pointed out and now sometimes that is all I see. I'm too afraid to try new things, and when I find something I enjoy I tend to tear myself down since it is what I got so used to.

 I've had trouble blogging, emailing, even getting through each day. By the end of the day I am so discouraged all I want to do is hide under my blankets and sleep.

 This is going to pass, I know it will. I am working through it to make it pass. I have friends around me helping me. I have a nice church which supports and loves me. I have a family to pick me up when I fall down, which is a lot.

 Mostly I have God who still hasn't left me. As I learn about life, as I attempt new things, fight old fears, and dig down deep to work on issues I need to deal with, He is beside me. He carries me through it and I know He will land me safe on the other side.

 But that doesn't mean that right now it is easy. I don't really know what I am doing. I feel like I'm running in a giant circle. My stomach has been in a huge knot and I'm on edge. These next two or three months are going to be long and hard for me.  Some things I have to face I am not ready to, other things I'm not sure how to. I just know I have to keep going, one step at a time, and somehow I can make it to the other side.

 But that is why I've not really been myself lately. 

 Things are still moving forward, but just slowly. I hope to have more of an update on my book soon.

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8 comments :

  1. Awe Jack, I'm sorry your dealing with this. I am dealing with some similar issues, you know how they say misery loves company. I will be praying for you!

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  2. I am definitely praying for you. I'm sorry things are going down. It makes me sad that you are sad. :(

    I was kind of thinking of this verse. I can't remember where it is in the Bible. Psalms, maybe? "Be still and know that I am God." If you need a break, it's okay. Your readers understand (well, I do at least). You don't have feel pressured to do everything.

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  3. Jack,

    My heart hurts for you my dear friend. There is nothing like the ache of loosing someone you love. I am working on a book right now that is dedicated to a friend who died. She was very much alive when I started on it and it is hard to work on it, knowing she will never see it.

    God is close to the broken hearted.

    Sarah

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  4. You're right, we have all been there. It's a terrible place to be, but you're right that it will pass, too. As someone who has struggled deeply with tearing herself down, let me urge you not to listen to the voice of the devil telling you that you're not good enough. You ARE good enough. You are not a failure. It may feel like it now, but let me assure you that you are not. God made you special and he loves you very much (that may be a Veggietales quote, but it is no less true).
    I just read something last night that gave some good advice on this sort of thing: do a 2-1 ratio. Every time you think of one bad thing about yourself, think about two good things. It challenges you to think positive about yourself and, hopefully, after a while of doing this, you can weed out the negative thoughts and replace them with positive.
    I'll be praying for you!

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  5. *sends you warm cookies, hot tea, and hugs*

    I know where you are, because I've been feeling almost the exact same way too.
    Pleeeeaseeeee excuse my self promotion for one moment here...but I wrote a blog post a few days ago called You Are Not A Failure. I Promise. I don't know if you'll read it or not, but if it can encourage you in any way, it'll be worth having written.

    You are not a failure, and your readers and friends (and God, of course) really love you. Not because of what you do or don't do, but because of who you are.

    You'll be in my prayers. ;) Things are very not easy. I know.
    When you have things to do, just tackle them one by one as you can. Don't overwhelm yourself too much. Don't beat yourself up. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can empathize with some of those things. <3 God bless you, girl.

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  6. You're definitely not alone in this, Jack. I've been feeling very similar lately, and wondering if I'll even pull through. But God gave the reminder that there is a season for everything - truly. And sometimes that means a time where God allows Satan to sift us, but it will only be for a time. And when it's over and God has brought us through, we are going to come out as gold. I keep clinging to that thought.
    I echo the others in saying you have my prayers, and don't worry about your books/writing. Easy to say, hard to do (I know. I'm trying to edit mine and I see all the horrible errors...). But it will be okay. Maybe not feel great right now, but it will be okay.
    God's with you through everything. <3

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  7. You are not letting anyone down, Jack! Publishing and just writing in general is a very slow process. We all understand that. Just enjoy this time of your first traditionally published book being in the works. You deserve it!

    I'm so, so sorry your feeling this way and having a hard time. My heart hurts for you. I know what it's like having so much stuff crushing you down and all those doubts knifing at your thoughts every day. But we all think you're an AMAZING person, and you haven't let anyone down.

    Just take each day, each task, one at a time. Make a list of what needs to be done each day to check off if you'd like (I know that helps me when I'm overwhelmed). But if you just can't do something that day, don't. Don't force yourself. Take time off. Read a book. Watch your favorite movie. And don't feel guilty about it. You NEED that time. It's okay to recuperate.

    And just know that you are a child of God and He sees so, SO much worth in you. He has absolutely amazing plans for you. Keep leaning on Him.

    You're in my prayers, sweet girl. God is going to get your through this! <3

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  8. I'm praying for you, Jack! I've actually been going through a similar season in my life. It's hard. Satan whispers in our ears that we're not good enough but we can't listen to those ugly lies. We are fearfully and wonderfully made and God has great plans for each of us. Maybe this hard season is to remind us that we can't do this on our own, but only through God who gives us strength. I've been listening to "Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average and Do Work That Matters" (for the second time ... it's amazing) and the author talks about the voices we hear that tell us we're not good enough, that we're failures, etc. He says theses voices are invisible bullies and only get louder when we're doing work that matters. Just remember that you're not a failure. You are beautiful!

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